Ok, so we all know that I really wasn't thinking JERK when I wrote that.. I was thinking more on the lines of a total b*tch..
I have been a little on the blue side lately. Lots of changes, lots of drama and stress going on in the family, with the kid, with life in general. So of course for someone who is bipolar, that means a lot more of the really low-lows and less of the high-highs. I do have some times in my life where I'm just in the middle, but not too often. I will be honest, I did go off my bipolar meds about 6 months ago. I feel that I've been maintaining pretty well in that time. At least most days, I have been. BUT.. I have that nagging suspicion that it won't be long until I have to start taking them again.
So most people wonder why I don't just continue taking them all of the time. Which would make sense, right? Well, I have a history of stopping and starting on these meds. I have also read that I'm not the only bipolar person who does this. I have a few reasons, that all seem sane to me.. First one is that I had a hard time with my family making comments to me about me having to take meds to be a 'normal' person. One person in particular told me that they understand that some people just can't handle life without being doped up. Oh and that I just needed to deal with it and let things go... Thank you person, for giving me a complex about not being able to deal with life without meds.
Another reason I don't like to take meds, is that the meds that have been prescribed to me, make me gain weight and have caused my teeth to go bad. I have some major vitamin deficiencies that were never present before and I'm not only bipolar, but also ADD, so there's that. So I tell myself that I'd rather be normal weight and crazy that fat and sane.. Oh, and there were some meds that seemed to work for me, but alas, my insurance doesn't cover them and the co-pay for the pills are like 120 for one prescription for one month.. and I have like 6 prescriptions that I take, and most of the others ones are not tier 1, so my meds bill for one month was almost 500.. Sorry, single mom here, I can't afford that!
So with all that rambling... (see, told ya.. ADD)... I have been a little grouchy lately, a little anti-social, a little depressed, a little obsessed with certain things... I don't sleep much, then when I do, it's like I Crash HARD.. such as this weekend. But it also means that when I do interact with people (usually because I feel guilty if I ignore them), I can be a total DICK. I try to be nice, but I think most of the time, it just comes off condescending. To be honest to those people.. If you could really hear the stuff that's going on in my head as I talk to you, you would thank me for putting a filter on my comments. UGGH.. I know being bipolar, having a bad day, etc doesn't give me the right to be a b*tch... But try telling me that to my face..
So I'll say this now, in the most sincere way that I can.. Sorry for being a JERK.
No comments:
Post a Comment